I'm sitting here at the computer at about 2:00am listening to the thunder roll, what better time is there to write a blog post? Okay maybe one where I would be listening to thunder roll at 2:00 in the afternoon. Alas, I can't sleep so I need to put my thoughts out so I can go to sleep. These particular thoughts come from about 3months in the making and hopefully will not come out totally discombobulated. That said, here's the story behind my title.
My husband had just accepted a job promotion that gave us a significant raise and would be having us move to a bigger place. I decided to do something with money that we haven't had in years and go shopping for some house decorations, i very rarely go shopping for house decorations the last time I had done so my husband and I were newlyweds and that was 5 and 1/2years ago. That said, i hit up the local wally world and my kiddos are heavily into the angry birds scenario so I found an Angry Birds bath set for a steal. So I bought it. I was walking out of Wally World to my car, and a group of 20somethins were walking towards the entrance. I was really proud of my new buy, and I was happy, it had been a long time since i shopped for something that I wanted. Anyways, from a distance the man in the group yelled out "Look at that fat bird." I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as I was pushing giant angry bird themed bath set and the birds did look fat...So i let it go. And then I knew he was talking about me and not the bath set when we all walked by each other, and he leaned in towards me, he was so close his breath made my hair blow and he yelled..."FAT BIRD!" to which they all laughingly carried on into wally world.
I got back to my car, loaded myself, and sat behind the wheel bewildered by what just happened, the last time i had been called "fat" to my face I was in 4th grade, and then another time where it wasn't so much to my face but was implied was when I was told that the dorm i lived in in college was known to some of the males on campus as the "fat and ugly dorm." So I sat there behind the wheel puzzled as to how I should feel about what just transpired. A part of me wanted to get out of the car and go back into Wally World and give that group immature adults a piece of mind, the other part reasoned that away by saying it would only probably end up causing me more harm than good because people like that only want to hurt people like me more, it would give them more pleasure to see that it riled me up. So I sat behind the wheel determined not to let them "rile" me up. Then my bewilderment turned to praying, because i still could not believe that this had just happened, and then it slowly turned to compassion, because I realized that even though he was right, about the fat part, not me being a bird - i mean I obviously do not have natural feathers -he must have been trippin on something. Even though he was right about the fact that my BMI is way higher than it should be, it made me so very very sad that someone could be so far from God as to not have common decency and respect for another human being. So I prayed for him, and I left wally world. I wish I could say that I left his remarks behind me, but truthfully i didn't. I struggle with the fact that I didn't leave his words behind me. Nor have i left the 4th graders words behind me, or the college words behind me.
Now before i get a comments section full of "Oh Sara you're not fat.." please don't, because I am. If it makes you feel more comfortable i'll put it in politically correct terms of I'm obese. I learned years ago that the only way one can address an issue in their life is to call it what it is..So I'm obese. I struggle with obesity. Thankfully i am no longer blindly struggle with it. By that i mean I no longer tell myself "I'm overweight, i just need to lose a few pounds.." because well that's not true. I long for the day when I will be able to officially say that I am overweight but i've got at least 70pds to lose before I can do that.
In the last 3yrs i've lost 60pounds, gained 30 of it back and still have 20 of that thirty left to lose, to get back to having lost 60pds. It has been a struggle, struggle, struggle. I've cried a few times about it, I've thought to myself "Am i so far gone that there isn't any hope but surgery left for me?" I've had days and weeks where I've mastered my cravings, and my desires for horrible delicious foods, and others where I obviously have not. I've prayed, I've read, I've researched. I've done the you're just eating too much so just eat less, to the you're not eating enough to just eat more. I've exercised to find that while exercise was wonderful in helping my cholesterol but not so great in actually aiding for the weight to fall off. It also works wonders for my depression issues that I struggle with from time to time so I do it because it's good for me. But weight loss is not a motivator for me to exercise. I've recently gone to my primary care doctor about the issue and I have learned that my thyroid is wonderful, my cholesterol is wonderful, my sugar levels are normal, everything is great...to which I thought to myself "Oh great so the only thing making me stay fat is apparently still just me..." Actually there is still one other possibility that we are in the process of being removed from the equation but that's besides the point.
So why do I write all of this, maybe just to simply say...Please don't judge. We all have our sins we struggle with, my sin I just can't unfortunately hide from the world. Don't judge, don't say, "well, you just need to do...." because I have probably already done that at some point...but instead maybe just offer up a prayer that I will keep fighting the fight and that i won't let the fact that after losing 40pds and keeping it off I'm still in the same size pants I was before I lost it, discourage me. Pray that God gives me courage to take a breath and still do things that are healthy for me even if it doesn't yield a result that everyone can see. Then maybe take a moment and educate others around you to be compassionate, help find little ways you can encourage your friends that are trying to get healthy, and lose weight. Don't ever say "You're still not, or you're doing this...again?" while rolling your eyes thinking they'll just give up again. Maybe the way to encourage them is just to tell them "Good for you for not giving up."
And if you are out there like me trying to get healthy, lose weight, whatever it is. Good for you! You have been blessed that God has opened your eyes and has stirred you're heart to change. Don't give up! Keep moving forward. Start over as many times as you have to! Find yourself a support system, don't go it completely alone. And if someone ever calls you a Fat bird be braver than me and respond back to them by saying "Get your eyes checked I don't have feathers, and I can't fly."