Friday, May 25, 2012


I won't lie, my heart lately has been anything but full of simplicity. In fact I think it has been overly full of anxiety without even really knowing what I am anxious about I know that I am feeling anxious. This anxiety could be what is behind my feeling nauseous for the past week (and for those wondering I'm really not pregnant).

There is just a lot fully weighing in on my heart and most of the time I just try to suppress it and pretend that these things really are not bothering me but they really are. I do pray and I do try to turn these issues over to the Lord but I constantly find myself picking it back up it is at a point where this lay down pick up worry is happening multiple times in a day. I wish I was a person that could just pray 1x and then forget about the issue I'm worried about but that is not the person that I am. I truly battle. I constantly battle between what I know I should be doing and actually doing it. There has also just been a certain level of stress that I have been living with for a while, and I guess I've just learned to deal with it, I can't say that I fret over the stressful issues but I can't say that I have full peace about them either. I've just sort of learned to accept and deal with it. As a result I think that this process has also made me come to a point where I don't believe that change over the situations are really possible, or as my father taught me to say "It is what it is."  Honestly, however, there is a part of me that likes to still believe that dreams can come true, that change really is possible,  that if you take the right steps in the right direction you'll eventually find a clear path which leads me to simplicity.

I wish everything in life was simple but as it is most things in life are very complicated and so I firmly think that one needs to strive for the simplicity in the midst of the complicated; in other words learning to find peace within the chaos. My heart is struggling to do just that. I think mostly I just feel unsettled, at a cross road of sort, not sure of where I'm going but knowing that I am not to stay exactly where I am. A call to move in some direction, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, maybe all three? Knowing that unless certain things are done I won't be able to go in any direction and yet  all at the same time feeling as though God is just saying WAIT.  It is all so very very confusing to me. Why would God allow such unrest and struggle within my heart, how is it that He can be calling to go and change in certain ways and yet at the same time saying wait?  Metaphorically speaking it feels as though I am on a dark road and I have come to a junction and I don't know which way to go and God has said "Let's stop here and I'll show you the path in a bit..." But he has yet to show the path and I'm getting tired of waiting.

I'm not entirely sure as to how to wrap up this post. I will say this though I think the biggest thing that I am being challenged with at this junction of life is to learn to just enjoy where I am. To find rest and peace in the midst of the chaos of my heart. My children often bring me to a special place where I find myself enjoying and soaking in every precious moment with them, my husband has a special way of smiling at me that makes my heart say "See not everything is so unclear." God's word has a special way of reminding me that I am not alone even at times when I can feel like he decided to move on with out me. Tomorrow may come and I may find myself in the same house, with the same rooms, and the same children, and the same husband, the same dishes, and the same laundry, but when tomorrow comes I know that Yesterday is no longer TODAY. So while I wait for tomorrow and I learn to enjoy the today I am looking to keep the simplicity in the midst of the complicated and finding the peace in the middle of the chaos.

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