Tuesday, April 10, 2012

It feels so long

It feels like it has been so long since I have felt like I have anything truly worth saying. Life with weight loss is what it is...slow, methodical, lonely (at times). Truly though it is nothing that merits a long blog entry over. My daughter turned 3 so I blogged about that, that was worth blogging about! My son is turning 2 and I suppose I will blog about that when he does...but in the mean time I just haven't felt like I have anything worth saying, this is an issue in and of itself.

I did not grow up in a home where expressing ones' self was welcomed or encouraged. Talking was very much not done in my house and on top of that we were poor and as a result did not have other outlets.

 I did not have the outlets of a musical instrument, I have never been an "artist" so I did not have art to turn to, the only thing that I had was song but because my resources were limited even that was a gift that I don't feel was ever truly given to full development. So what did I do growing up? Well I mostly stuck to myself, kept my thoughts and mouth shut, and prayed that God would some how take note of me even when it felt like no one else did. As a result sometimes I feel like there is some part of me that is just lacking, like there is a whole other layer to me that has been so covered for too long that I don't even know how to get to it.

For now I take joy in raising my children, keeping the house tidy, doing dishes (which all sounds so very very lame) but I really do enjoy it. There is something to simplicity that I cherish it. Maybe it's because I did not have a mother that I so enjoy doing the things for my family that my mother did not do for me. Like somehow I know my children will not struggle in the same way that I did because they have a mother that loves them, that does the simple, yet mundane, tasks of everyday life.

I wish I could say that I've had some self revelation during the last couple of months but I haven't. I have just kind of been living, pushing through the rough patches, enjoying the nice green patches, and kind of staring at the uncharted patches waiting for the go ahead to just step and go.

There are moments when my "contentment" scares me because it's when I begin to realize that I am content that I begin to wonder if I am really living in a way that bests glorifies my Savior. Sometimes contentment comes when we seem to have everything we want, and other times it comes when it seems like we shouldn't be happy at all and yet God reigns in our hearts.

 I suppose that is all I have to say...

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