It's a God thing

One of my biggest issues is that I often let the storms of my past effect how I see the present and my future.

I must say though this isn't always a bad thing. I mean, it makes me more thankful for the things, and people, and lessons, that I have been given, and learned. But it also makes me doubt the blessings to be held in the future.

I'm not sure why my view on life is so cynical at times, it is something that God is convicting my heart of. The truth is I have these shinning moments of faith but they only seem to come after I get hammered with the ugly facts of my struggle with sin and I turn my eyes solely to God.

I am definitely nothing worthy to be praised... But my God is.

I have been feeling lately as though maybe God didn't care about me or any of my desires to do wonderful good works for him. I have so often felt stuck, not knowing what should be next for me to do. Right now he has called me to be a wife and mother but sometimes I feel like my passions get lost in the midst of all the work that that calling alone entails.Granted though, most of my passions are still being formulated.

With the help of some great friends of mine, God had formulated in my heart a passion for adoption. I think that this is a result of seeing an adoption take place in a beloved family that I know, witnessing first had the wonderful life that was and is being transformed as a result, and being able to somewhat identify with those that are orphans. But with our current state of finances I began to wonder if God even cared about the good desires of my heart.

The other day, after reading and adoption story currently in process, I sat at my computer and I cried. I cried because I so longed to be able to do more than just pray for this story. And I cried also because I was jealous that this wasn't yet my story. There is a deep aching in my heart and longing in my soul to see God use me to change some one's life drastically. I cried and I prayed. I cried over my sin of jealousy and discontentment. I cried over the fact that I didn't really trust in God's sovereignty and therefore timing and placement of my own life. I cried over the little souls that I long to see saved, and the lives that I long to see changed. I cried over my own pain of feeling abandonment by my own mother, the pain of feeling like my own father really didn't even want us but kept us because we were his responsibility. I cried because as I told my husband once " I know what it feels like to think as though no one in the world cared about you."
I cried a lot. And I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father, about my passions, my desires, my dreams of making a difference for his kingdom. And then I selfishly asked him, to show himself to me again, to show me even in just a small way that he cares about my desires and he hasn't forgotten about me.

Then by a series of events that unfolded involving a mistaken bill, an argument, discovering a soaked storage closet, cleaning and re-arranging such storage closet, all leading to the discovery of a document. God showed me in a small but big way that he still cared. For the document we discovered was information on different benefits and programs that my husband's job offers. And one of those programs is an $5,000 reimbursement adoption program. It was like God was telling my heart "all though now is not the time i have this planned for you, i knew the desires of your heart before you even did, and I gave your husband a job that when the time is right will help obtain that desire."

So very interesting, so very loving, so very God.