Yesterday my husband brought up the idea of looking into buying a house and I thought that when that moment would come I would eagerly say "oh yes, let's jump and start down that road." Instead the thought brought me sadness, anxiety, and anything but peace. I did tell him though that I would pray about it.
I will admit I like living in apartments. I like not being responsible if the plumbing needs to be repaired, if the windows need to be repaired, I like not being responsible to maintain the yard, shovel the sidewalk, I like not having the responsibility to replace appliances...ect. Because living in an apartment the only things that I have to trust God to provide for are the rent and utilities bills. I don't have to trust that if the plumbing blows on us that he will provide the money for that, or if the stove breaks, refrigerator falls apart, garbage disposal blows up... I don't have to trust God to provide for closing costs and other Realtor fee's. And I don't have to trust that God will find a way to sell the place for us if we end up having to move, or at least, in some cases provide for us to pay for more than one place to live.
It is, matter of fact, a rather comfortable way for me to live. I have less stress not having to think about those things and yet as my heart desires to show more creativity in how I design our home, how i play with our children, and how I desire to have more children...the reality sets in apartments can only take a family so far. I don't think I've ever heard of a 4 bedroom apartment. The most I've been able to find is a 3 bedroom and that limits 2 people per room and apartment complexes are sticklers on this...so that means at most 4 children and when we desire to have at least 4biological children but also desire to adopt 2 or 3 others...3bedrooms just isn't enough.
Oh but then the worry and fear step in and I begin to think to myself "We could never have that. God would never bless us in a way to have ...."
My problem is, and always has been, that I often let fear and worry dictate my life and while occasionally i have moments of faith that make me jump it often takes a lot of work on God's part to make me do it.
And while I think i have legitimate concerns I need to have faith more in my God.
As I sat and told my husband these things I told him that I also feel torn about going into even more debt. We have enough student loan debt as it is and we aren't even paying on most of it yet because we can't...but then there is also the factor where I look at our American Christian ways and I told my husband, so many of us are willing to go into debt for a house, but not to adopt a child. We want our comfortable lifestyle over saving a child's life. And for that reason I'm not sure I can go into debt for a house. If I'm going to go into more debt I want it to be for something else other than my own selfish gain.
But then again most adoption agencies won't let you adopt a child unless you can prove that you have the sufficient room available. So it almost seems that you can't have the one without the other. At least, again, not with as many children as we want to have.
Sometimes, I think i must be crazy for wanting to have a lot of children....but as I sit here and type I think about how ironic it is that I can whole heartily trust my Lord to take care and provide for each of my children, who are greatly more valuable than a stove or refrigerator, but I can't trust God to provide for the things less valuable to me.
Strange...
So here's where I'm being challenged in my thinking process...we'll see how it all turns out.
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