My father has been ill for a while, yrs actually, he has had numerous aliments and hasn't really sought medical attention for them. My dad just dismissed pains for his arthritis, dismissed vomiting and such for his gall bladder and now it seems as though things could be a lot more worse. He finally went to a doctor about his "gall bladder" and she immediately noticed a giant greenish black spot that he has had on his ear for over a yr now...she told him that all though he would need testing to confirm it looks like Melanoma. She also noticed some similar looking spots around his eyes and he has other spots on different parts on his body as well a a huge lump in his lymph nodes in his throat...so all that said there is a strong possibility that he has advanced melanoma.
While a part of me wants to choose to remain hopeful and think that he'll go to the dermatologist and they'll find that all of his spots have been caught in time my heart tells me to prepare for the worst. I don't know how to balance the two out. I don't want to be so positive that it isn't cancer that I will be devastated and at a loss to find out that it is, but I also don't want to be so positive that it is cancer and spend the next month 1/2 worried and in despair. How does one prepare for the worst while hoping for the best? And really no matter how I try to "prepare" myself can one every truly be prepared to be told a loved one is dying from an illness that if said loved one had listened wouldn't be as severe as an issue?
Today my Pastor preached a sermon on Acts chapter 8 vs 26-40 about Phillip's ministry to the Ethiopian eunuch...One key thing that my Pastor said was "Sometimes God leads us to the desert so we can get a better vision of His glory."
I feel like God is leading me to a desert.
I do not know how all of this is going to play out, I don't have the details, I don't know how we are going to afford the gas money for traveling and shuffling my dad to appointments. I do not know how we are all going to last spending up to 3 weeks being separated as a family as Carl needs to stay here and work. I feel as though I'm going into a barren land, I don't even know what church I will go to, or how I will respond when I run into people that have left deep scars into my heart. But I feel like God is leading me to a desert, and I don't get it, I don't understand it and a part of me wants to shake my fist at God because why does he seem to meet me in the desert places the most, why can't HE meet me in the fields? Maybe he tries and I won't listen? I pray that I will see God's glory in the desert of this trial with my father's health...I pray that miracles will be seen, that my small families sacrifice to be with my dad during this beginning stages will show a little bit of Christ's sacrifice for me.
I feel like God is leading me to a desert.......