Oh my achy heart

No, I'm not going to jump into the Billy Ray Cyrus classic...but it may cheer me up to dance around with my children.

I am currently reading a book called "Lose it For life" and in Chapter 4 of this book the authors challenge the readers to " be real " about their current weight situation. They talked about how this part of the process does hurt but it is a necessary part in order for any one to make serious changes for good. This is usually the part where an over-weight or obese person faces the facts that they are physically what they really are. In a sense, they leave there dream world and face the hard, ugly, truth of how their love for food and or weight is seriously impacting their life, whether that be socially or physically most likely both.

My moment came back in February. Our church has a Date Night Dialogue night where one of the leaders will have a "class" type time and discussion on one can improve and grow their marriage. After the class time the couples leave for a date and are given questions to discuss, all the while some of the Leaders stay behind and watch children for the parents of the group.  It's a blessed ministry for many families in our church.

Anyways it was on one of these nights that a harsh reality it hit me. My husband and I were on the way to a new restaurant, one that we had a "coupon" for and the such coupon was going to make our evening out more affordable. On our way to the restaurant I notice that my husband is very "giddy" about our date. He is smiling, laughing, chatting, excited, just so happy to be with me; and there I was sitting next to him trying to enjoy our time together but I was filled with anxiousness and even some sadness.  I had to stop my husband in the middle of his talking to tell him about how I was feeling and when he asked why I was feeling the way I was I said "I'm afraid that I won't like the food we will be eating at this new restaurant." How sad is that? I have 2hrs alone with my husband to spend together out of the house and all I could think about was the food I was going to be eating and whether or not I would like it.  The conversation proceeded and I was heart broken because in that moment God revealed to me probably the biggest idol I have in my life. That was the moment that I knew something had to change. I had to change.

So I started my own calorie counting in March and lost 10pds :) which was great but then by May I was off track and not counting and slowly trying to step back into my food worshiping ways. So in June I joined WeightWatchers, so far I have lost and additional 5pds :) Praise the Lord.  But this journey is more than just about losing weight I have always wanted it to produce a heart change in me as well.

Today, well mostly in the last 3hrs, I have really been facing a discontented heart. I have found myself worrying about future financial provision and how it is going to effect our current "way of living." It's not that we are going to go broke or anything The Lord gave us wisdom a while back and the means to pay off our car loan so we have in our budget the money to "adjust" but what we won't have is "extra" money to cover little "ticketed" items. So the extra money we spend on our dates, or pizza, or extra little foods, won't be there as we will need to save our money for things that the children may need, and also my husbands monthly  prescription for his U.C.  Don't worry we will still have dates, its just that these dates, won't be centered around going out to eat, are main event would simply be being together at a park, or maybe even grocery shopping. No big deal to most couples, but to a food worshiper like me, a part of my heart feels so lost. I know it sounds so pathetic, and it is, but it's also very true.

Coming to this realization in the last 3hrs made me have an emotional breakdown with my children present. I praise God for such sweet babies, they come and hug me when they see me sad and then they just sit with me until they see that I'm okay. Sweet Babes. Anyways, I cried for a good 20mins over this issue and it wasn't a cry of "oh God why won't you just give carl a better paying job and make our lives easier." But more like "Oh God why do I love food so much! Why can't I just be content and feel blessed no matter how much you give. I can't do this on my own, I need you to take away this sinful desire I have for food. I need you to make my heart content and satisfied with you! I need you to change me! Don't even let me desire food with lustful, greedy eyes. Let me be satisfied with what you would give me to sustain my life and keep me healthy!."

I pray that God will change my heart and change the thoughts that effect my heart. I don't to go to a party and feel like I"m missing out on all the enjoyable things so much so that it leads me to eat more and more. I want to go to a party or celebration, and be satisfied with a taste, a mouthful, 1 serving... I want to be giddy and excited just to be out of the house with my husband alone...without needing to feel like that if we don't eat out then we aren't really going out.  I want this battle to be done...

I am fully surrendering this burden over to God, because I can't carry it, I'm too weak, I'm too needy, I'm too easily led astray and I really have no will power, but I can do this on God's power. I can change and not because of just anything that I do but because of Christ living in me. He can change my heart.

The End

( I am happy to report that after my time in prayer, God does what he does and gave my heart peace. He answered my prayer and took the immediate desire away.(sigh and smile) The Lord is good)