Heavy heart

It's just one of those mornings where I feel blah...every part of me just wanted to stay in bed and honestly I was very bitter about having to get out.

I've had a lot on my heart these last couple of days. My family back in Michigan weighs heavily and I am so helpless to help any of them. I can not open their eyes to their sins, i can not show them what it is that belongs in the gaps of their lives. I can only live out this life in a manner worthy of the calling that God has given to me but I can not do the heart work that requires for them to be saved.

My heart aches when i haven't spoken to my brother in months and he is in tears because he is beginning to face some of the consequences of foolish decisions he has made. My heart aches when my father calls me and tells me how lonely he is, how pointless his life feels, how empty his heart is, and I can't tell him that he doesn't deserve it. My heart breaks that my mother says she loves us but really doesn't know what love is, she's so consumed in selfishness that she sells her own children out, she makes up lies when she is encountered with the truth and pushes us away but says that it is us who have pushed her out. She wants all the benefits and none of the work it takes to have good relationships.

How does one tell the truth to her family members without risking losing them all together? I can't. I can not tell any of them the truth about their lives, and why they are the way that they are, without risking losing my relationship with them. I suppose in some way I am being selfish by caring more about keeping my relationship with them that about telling them truth that could potentially change their lives. How do I stop fearing about what they will think, do, and learn to speak the truth to them in love; however, realizing that even speaking the truth to them in love may not be the tool that God uses to save them.

I suppose there is a part of me that feels as though they are suffering enough, why should I add more fuel to the fire? Yet i think of burn patient that can not heal unless the painful task of stripping the old, burned, dead skin off, is performed.

How does a loving sister though tell her brother that what he is experiencing is the result of his own foolish decisions and he will bare the consequences of them in a deeply toilsome way,

How does a loving daughter tell her aging father that he is reaping the consequences of what he has sown, and that the only reason why she has a relationship with him now is because of what Christ had done in her life earlier?

How do I tell my mother that she needs to stop being a liar, stop playing the victim, and realize that her relationships, her life, is the way that it is because of her selfishness.How do I tell my sister to lay aside her pride because it's not to late to have a relationship with her father?

Do I do it just like that? Do I plead with them to see my case? Or do I simply do what I do now and I pray for them and hope that God will show them their errors?

I remember when I first really heard the gospel...someone sat me down, someone helped me by telling me that my sins were sins and until they did that I never saw how evil I was and how much I needed a savior? God had been doing the work in my heart all along but without that one person to show me, without that one person lovingly confronting me, I may not be saved today.

However, what did he have to lose telling a complete stranger the truth? He had no real relationship with me and if i had gotten mad and stormed away vowing never to speak to him again it would have been my loss solely. But I've built the relationships, I've taken the time and I've done the work to show my family that I love them and there is a lot more at stake for me...if they get mad, storm away, reject Christ, and vow to never speak to me again...it's not only their loss but mine as well. On the flip side though they could rationalize what I tell them, realize that I love them, reject Christ still, but walk away with truth imprinted on their minds...and I lose nothing? On an even better side they could listen to what I say, God could open their hearts and instead of rejecting Christ they except him and walk away forever changed, and I, well I actually gain something.

I guess I was hoping though that I wouldn't have to be the one to take the risk. But as time begins to tick and my father continues to age, and my brother is about to have a baby and I so desire for that child to have something so much better than the life I had as a child with separated parents, and my mom continues in deadly selfishness, and my sister continues to feel deep despair. I'm realizing that maybe because i have done the work, i have shown them love...that maybe I am just the right person to tell them truth. But is it time? Is there such a thing as the right time? Do i just randomly call them up and say ..."oh i just wanted to tell you that your a sinner, and here's my proof (life examples, biblical references) and that you need Christ...so ...yada yada yada....love you goodbye..?" Or do I learn to seize every opportunity and when my dad calls and tells me of his loneliness then lovingly tell him why that is the way it is? Or when my brother calls telling me of his relationship issues then lovingly tell him why that is the way that it is? Always seeking though to fulfill 1 Corinthians 13... doing all this by still being patient, kind, always seeking to encourage and not to boast.

Maybe I've just answered my own questions...