oh so much...

Well it doesn't look as though my dad will be staying...i'll know more tonight when he finds out whether or not his unemployement goes through. He doesn't want to stay unless he can help and I understand and respect that a lot. I think there is wisdom in that decision on all of our parts. So, i am letting him go...instead of fighting for him...i'm going to let him go.

Kentucky would be better for my dad overall, warmer weather makes his body feel better, daughter and son in-law as well as granddaughter add a lot of emotional happiness to life as well. But, unless my dad could help a little bit with extra costs having another person in the house would be, well probably not best for all of us. I know though that we could "make it work" and God could still bless if this is what He wants for us all...but I now know what areas of my life i need to surrender more to God.

I don't think there is anything wrong in my desire to see my dad come to know Jesus. But ultimately he is indeed the Lord's to save or not save. I can only do so much and there is that part of me that thinks the "if only's" and I make a plan for my dad's salvation but I constantly need to surrender even that desire to the only one who can do anything about it.

It breaks my heart and I cry over it because I want my dad to experience the joy and peace that Christ has given to me even in the midst of difficulties. But I will admit this desire isn't all purely for self-less reasons...I also want to experience with my own dad the richness of fellowship that I experience with other believers. I want that connection with him...I cry out to God so much because I'm tired of being on one side of the cannon and seeing some of the people I am closest to on the other. I want there to be peace in my family, a peace that will never come unless they know Christ.

Please pray for me...my heart is breaking and I am feeling torn...but ultimately i need to stay faithful and strong in Christ. I need to let my dad go and I need to let God work as he pleases.