where do i begin ...lol

When you live alone you begin to learn a lot of things about yourself that you might not have realized before.

For instance, i burn almost everything that i cook, and i really don't like cleaning.

That's right, i'm basically unorganized and very plain, there really is nothing more to it than just that. But my apartment doesn't look like a complete pig-pen because i don't have enough stuff to just throw around...lol. There is however one area of the house that i must have clean no matter how tired I may feel and that is my bathroom. For some reason cleaning the toilet gives me some satisfaction that I have conquered evil.

I also really prefer handwashing my dishes, it gives me something to do when i get home from work. I think this is why i've procrastinated in calling the apartment managers and letting them know that the dishwasher is broken.

I've also discovered that i like watching movies because i don't get any t.v. stations in but once you've seen one particular genere it feels as though you could predict any other movie that you stick in...thats not entirely true i did watch one movie the other day where i thought something would happened and the exact opposite happened....oh, I hate movies where the good guys die...talk about heart breaking.

I also enjoy the freedom to walk around my apartment without having to worry who might walk in but i've also noticed that there seems to be some pointless-ness to it all.

I beginning to understand why people work so hard at not being selfish so that they can live with someone else. I think of families as well as other couples. It is satisfying to know one isn't completely living for just themselves. That there is a purpose to going to work getting paid and paying bills.

Right now I'm just trying to keep in perspective why i do all of those things. I don't have any other mouths to feed but my own, and i don't have anyone else to clean the house for.

It really all seems so pointless. I'm not trying to be negative, i'm really not, know that this has been written with a very joyful attitude..but living life alone..really does seem to be pointless.

I find that my motivation for cleaning is I don't want others to be embarressed when they come over to my apartment to have to take out all of my stuff if I was to die sooner than expected.

Also living by yourself as a christian it really puts a toll on your spirituality (not that being not-single doesn't because i know plenty of toher people who could tell you that its just as difficult.)

I only say this because there isn't someone else to fall back on if your having an off day, if you miss balance your check book, or just have a bad day where you do nothing but cuss at the world. There isn't someone else around to come along side of you and just pray for you.

-The other week was the first time someone has actually prayed with me and specificaly for me (with me in their presence), in a very long time.-

So, if i don't read my bible, or spend time with God, if i don't make it a point in my everyday experience to personally reflect on this god that i am supposed to be living my life for than living alone, is pointless.

But there are days where i don't want to read, or i don't want to pray and if i am careless and i leave my realtionship with God unattened I begin to forget what and who i am living for.

Sometimes though i have so many other things going through my mind like how i'm going to pay my next bill. Where am i going wrong in my budget. there should be enough money but there isn't. I can't seem to focus on that one relationship that makes life worth living.

The other week a friend of my send that i was much farther along than most young adults my age because of all my experience with the real world, but as i could see his point I also saw mine..and as i told Vanessa, I'm 23 yrs old, my life is still ahead of me and i'm already exhausted. There are times when i just feel as though i don't have anything left to give. How does being exhausted place one ahead?