Finally the walls have been broken

This past saturday night at Fellowship the Pastor was preaching about temptation. And 1. Why 'good; christians give into temptations. 2. What we can learn about God through temptations and 3. What we can learn about ourselves during temptation.

One of the things that the Pastor said that struck a chord in my heart was that there is nothing that we could ever do that would make God stop trying to refine us. That God would not just say "okay, you've screwed up again, i've had enough i will deal with you know more." But instead God does the exact opposite where like a loving parent he disciplines us, he hurts us in ways that make us more pure. HE knows what is for our good even if we don't. "God," he said, "will never leave us unpursued and unloved."

And as i sat there in a chair in a church full of strangers, i broke down, i lost every brick that i had been building on my soul for the past 8yrs. And i was naked before God. Fully vunerable, fully exposed, ugliness, and doubt that i had been trying to hide and mask completely out. In this moment of prayer and silence in complete utter exposure between my heart and God's I cried. "Why couldn't you just leave me alone, do you realize how you have messed up my life, do you realize the pain you alone have brought into my life since you've entered it. Why couldn't you have just left me alone."

This broken soul, crying out before her God, waiting for the lightning bolt to strike, simply hears "Because i love you.."

Then for the first time in a very long time I was completely surrender to this God who will never stop pursuing and loving me.