As many of you know i've been working part time at the bookstore its a job that i'm thankful to have because at least I"m making some type of money but it's really not my particular cup of tea..transalation..i don't like it too much.
Anyways I've had a crappy attitude, I know this, so today I set off to choose to have a good day at work...and so I went into work at 5:30 with a good attitude. I had a pleasent work experience and overall did fairly well at my job so you think afer how good of a day i had that when Robb and Vanessa picked me up I would have been able to communicate that with them, but i couldn't, for you see when Robb asked me how work was something inside was triggered and I almost had a mental breakdown in the car in front of the kids. Vanessa, wasn't in the car yet because she was finishing making purchases for the kid's school clothes and when she got in the car and asked me how work was I really almost started crying..I actually did start crying but did my best to hide it.
The truth of it all is, it's not like i didn't want to cry in front of Robb and Vanessa, trust me they've seen me cry plenty of times, I just didn't know how to explain the sudden mood change that had taken place in a matter of a few seconds...I didn't even really know what was happening myself. I also didn't want the children to get upset because i'm just not sure they would have understood why I was bawling I'm afraid they would have taken me as I not liking them or something.
When we finally got home, i went outside and i just cried, i mean i let out one of those long hard cries where you're afraid that at any moment the cops are going to show up because the neighbor thought somebody had died kind of cries. I then just walked through my day with God, trying to pin point what had caused this sudden change in me and I found it.
I had stopped to look at the schedule for the following week and I saw that i had 17 hrs which should have made me just jump out of my boots because I"m making some more money, but instead it made my skin crawl and it almost made me sick because all of a sudden this fear set in my heart that this was going to be my future. The thought came and then i made it leave because i was going to choose to have a good day at work but as my friend Dan said, it was all just an elaborate cover up to make myself feel good and when push came to shove and the people that I can't hide my emotions from asked me how i was I could no longer choose to hide; the truth poured out or flowed out in this case.
Sadly it took almost a good 2hrs before I could communicate any of this to Vanessa, it just took that long for myself to comprehend it. But after talking to Dan, and talking to Vanessa again and having some good laughs I was reminded just to chill out and wait..
Dan put it this way..."Every now and then we pick up a piece of the puzzle that just doesn't seem to fit..and that's okay, that's why it's small, it's only a small part of the puzzle, the rest, is yet to come."
8 comments:
moving is a lot more emotionally trying than women realize...it is a huge upheaval and it rocks any security you have. It's tough! Hey...don't know if you always check out my blog but I did update on what's going on with us.
um, you know sara, i am not much of a fan for my job either. truth be told: i hate it...very much so. it isn't what i want to do with my life. but then, i also have learned that there are stepping stones to what i do want to do, and they are not always easy ones. so, like you, i can have a great day at work, but the minute i come home and my husband asks me how work was...everything in me rebels. but, i'm fighting each day to keep the perspective: it's not forever, God has plans for me, and He will give me the desires of my heart. the truth is, life is good, even if the job isn't (and actually...i'm probably one of the highest paid women around here...i just don't like the job). but, hey, just think, a few decades ago, a woman couldn't even get paid a fair wage.
oh, by the way...you really ought to turn on the "verification" thingy that blocks advertising and junk...it's so easy to do.
you could always get a job posing for full frontal nudity
Ness??? you mean people get PAID for showing their boobs?? Sheesh..and I"ve done it all these years for nothin!!!
Ok one more thing of relevence...I"ve had like 30 different jobs...the "liking" it part of it hardly matters.
You do what you have to do...it is WHO YOU ARE that matters.
I"m just amazed at how people look at work. WHen I was Parole/probation Agent, "taco hell" was beneath "Them". ...when i put myself through University working there. I told them, "THE MONEY SPENDS THE SAME!!"
Now, I have a friend who is literally homeless, living in a park in mt Pleasant, because he won't work until he finds the perfect job. Literally the guy was living in the Community theatre for a while. Would rather NOT work, than work for "the man"..which includes any job he doesn't want.
And the people that bitch and complain about the jobs they DO have astounds me. Doesn't the money spend the same? ISn't it a means to an end?? (not specifically picking on you S.).
But really...it is ALL attitude..ReJOICE in WHAT YOU HAVE, quit focusing on what you DOn't have..I tell my kids that all the time. GOd fills in the rest if you let Him.
ANd Crap..you have a DREAM job...Books all day..>Christian Crap, top of the line Jesus Jungque, hanging out with The Robb., in a Mall... Slap yourself up side the head girl.
RELAX. This is A SHORT SHORT time period. Crap a month ago you were a freekin camp counselor...now you are an independant College graduate living 1/2 way across the Continent. SHeeshhhhhh.
((huggs))
That camp job paid me 250wk while 17hrs at the book store only gives me about 90..and that's 2weeks..lol
No, I'm not complaining..it was just a weird night that's all...and I"m not going to go homeless...I'll do what i have to do..but i won't settle unless i have to...(if that makes any sense).
I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did. I'm just talking.
and um..if you've read my blog lately..all I'm doing is complaining.
You are loved.
MY cousin works Near Columbus, and he is in charge of the animal testing labs. To make sure that all of the animals are treated ...um..."humanely".
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