What lays heavily on my heart

I sent this letter to a friend thought maybe some of you could use it as well...love ya all.

Today was kind of a rough day for me, i think the whole graduating thing is finally kicking in with only two weeks left to go. I"m looking forward to it but as you know better than i do the next year is going to bring about a lot of changes. It is a little scary i must admit. Part of me wishes i was going back to Michigan, and the other part wishes i was heading down to Arkansas but I suppose New York with its bad economy and such will just have to do for now, lol.

I forgot to tell you in my last email that I was finally voted into membership at Faith Baptist Church over the weekend. It is always a humbling thing to stand before people and give my testimony, I always end up crying, i try not to and i find it a little embarrasing when i do but i just can't help it. It is an amazing thing to look back on the last 8 years and of life and see where God has taken me...he truly is an amazing God with much love, mercy, and forgiveness for me than i'll ever deserve.

Today, i was walking to a class and Tom Pollock the financial guy stopped me and told me that somebody put 500.00 on my school account for me...which i thought was great but it really surprised me because i was under the impression that my loans had taken care of any balance that i might have had...but apparently not, and it makes me happy because that is 500.00 that i don't have to pay back. It came at an encouraging time for me today, i've kind of been sad to be real honest with ya. I've felt much like crying most of the day and just don't want to spend the time and the energy on doing it and it was really neat to see that God provided for a need that i didn't even know that i had.

I realize more and more that i just don't deal with change all that well sometimes, it is a hard thing for me, i like my comfort zone i like the security that i have here at BBC, i like the community of people around me and soon it is going to be more different than i could have possibly imagined. I realize that God has prepared me for "the real world" more than others with just my simple life experiences it won't be too much of a shocker but as i was talking to Vanessa today I just hate being alone (and i'm not talking about a romantic relationship wise) I just hate being alone in general. I'm a people person, i like surrounding myself with people, and that is going to change more rapidly than i would like it to.

Loneliness is one of those hidden illnesses you can't just look at somebody and say "that person is lonely" most likely the people with think are lonely aren't and the ones that we wouldn't think would be lonely are. But as Vanessa and i talked about everybody has to learn to deal with it at some point, even she has had to learn to deal with it and she's married with 3 kids (who would have thought.)

I often think about the night i prayed and asked God to take my grandma to heaven. I think about how that night i was so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life because i believed that she was the only person that really loved me unconditionally. I think about lying on that top bunk scared, afraid, and not sure if i could really trust this 'god' who i couldn't see, nor feel, nor touch, or hear to take care of me, a sad, lonely, desperate girl...and I remember the moment I said that I believed that he was indeed more than enough for me.

At times i still feel like that 14 year old girl who just so desperately clings to the only hope that she has, to the only person that will never leaver her, and always love and take care of her for the rest of her life. And with tears i write and say that he sure has proven himself to a little girl, whose faith at time is so small, that he indeed will do all that he says and more.

Every step of life i guess is a moment where we must learn to trust all over again, whether it is lying on a bunk bed and trusting in God's love more than a humans, or getting ready to graduate a college ( a dream once thought would never come true.) Every moment, maybe even every breath, is a time where we just have to trust that he is and has indeed led us to the right place.

It is a lot like a quote i put on my back pack,

"Sometimes when you think that you are not going the right way, you really are."