I am who I am

One last full day here in Arkansas and so far the weather today has been very sunny. It figures that the First day and the Last day that i am here are the nice days but i have definately enjoyed my Spring Break out here.

I've also had to think about a lot of different things and I am just trying to remind myself that i don't have to worry about tomorrow because all i might have is today and why spend my last day (if it is my last) worrying about something that may or may not come.

I love this family and I love these kids...and their parents. I didn't realize how much so until i've finally seen them after about 8 months of not seeing them (that is almost as long a pregnancy term).

Last night, I went to bed early, about 11:00 and for me that is early. Earlier this week i told vanessa that i think why i let myself stay up later than 11:00 like 1-2a.m is because otherwise i just lay in my bed thinking, and my thoughts drive me crazy and so i'll stay up later because then when i go to bed my body says "i don't care what's on your mind i'm sleeping". So last night i was up about an 1hr to 1and1/2 thinking and even crying. I was angry and upset that God would hve taken a family so dear to my heart and moved them so far away. And that for the next two years i will only be seeing them at least 1 time during the year. Yet i was also upset because part of me can't see myself moving out here as a single woman, and yet i realize that i can't make that decision so soon. Then the other thoughts that ran through my mind is how much are my perceptions of how to do ministry are really 'convictions' and how much of it has just been what i've only known since becoming a christian.

I don't think that i handle change very well. I think because my life has never had consitancy to it. There was never anything stable in my life even when my grandmother was alive and whenever change happened it was usually for my worse and didn't seem to be for my benefit. So how do i rechange my mind and realize that "Everything is for the good of those that love Him?" Or when a 6year old little girl cries at dinner because she misses her friends sooo much...things like that just break my heart and I can't help but ask "why?"

That is the other thing, it seems as though that i've heard a number of people whether by testimony or by there preaching (since BBC) say that it is sin to ask God "why?" When i remember the book of JOB I don't think that God ever got upset with JOB for asking why, he got upset with job when job seemed to Know it all...and that is when the question from God began to arrive, in a sarcastic , humerous way, and yet loving.

I think that it is in our moments of doubting God (whether it be right or wrong) that God makes his name more clearer and he reminds us like he reminded Job who exactly he is and if he can create everything that we see through one shape or form than he probably certainly knows what he is doing in our lives.

I just have to remember that as my world keeps changing and ministry keeps changing and i can't figure out what to do with myself because everything seems pointless, just and endless circle, I have to keep remember that God knows what he is doing and the he is and always has been the God that has provided for my every need, both emotional and physical.

"I am who I am" that is what the Hebrew says.