Friday, August 09, 2013

Thoughts on turning 30...I feel old.

I am turning 30 tomorrow morning at 8:28. I don't know how I really feel about that just yet.

I can remember when I turned 10. I was so excited to finally be double digits. When I was turning 13 I was just happy to finally be considered a teenager and on my way to becoming a responsible young adult in my father's eyes. When I turned 18 I was finally considered an adult which i felt like I had been for several years already because of my childhood upbringing...that's not necessarily a bad thing but I didn't feel profoundly different. Then I turned 20 and I finally felt like I was considered a "real" college student and not just a "pretending to be one" teenager anymore. When I turned 25 I was already married, and pregnant with my first child so I felt "ahead" of others my age.  But now, now I'm turning 30. I have two kids, I have been married for 6years. I have lived in a total of  7 states in my lifetime. I have had a total of 8differnt jobs, and I have officially received my college diploma. Now that I am turning 30...I just feel

Seriously, I feel old. I have been through trials and tribulations in my short 30yrs of life that some people don't go through until they are in there 40's. I have lived in times of poverty (no seriously legitimately consider to be in poverty by the government) to times of extreme wealth -to times of someplace in the middle of the two. I have watched many people die in my short 30yrs of life, I have watched those that I love struggle through suicide attempts,  and I have also seen the miracle that is love and that is life. I have learned things "beyond" my years as so many people have said to me and yet I still have things that I have yet to learn because of my short years.  I seriously feel old.

There have been some days when the feeling of "old" has been so overwhelming that I have cried through tears because if I have seen so much in such a short amount of time a part of me is afraid of what is still yet to come and whether or not my tired, old, weary spirit will be able to handle it. There are days already where I long for Jesus more than I do anything else in this world here on earth. Which in and of itself is not a bad thing but is the reason why I long for him a good thing?

I am turning 30...............30.............30

I thought I was confused when I was 10, I thought I was confused when I was 13, I thought I was confused when I was 18, 20,  and then when I first gave birth......but man oh man none of those ages compare with turning 30. I am not where I thought I would be but I certainly have been blessed with more than I ever thought I would have. I feel like the richest person in the world some days because I can't believe the Love that God has showered into my life...and I cling to it so dearly because I know that all of it life can easily take away...all of it but HIS love.

I long for Jesus more and I long to make a difference for Jesus more but yet feel as though I am stuck in a waiting period.  A waiting period designed to teach me more than all that i have already learned. I am turning 30 not 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, or 90....just 3...0....30. I can't be so naive as to think that I have learned everything that God has planned for me to learn...I am only turning 30...I pray that when I turn 40 I won't feel as old as I feel now. I pray that the next 10yrs of life for me (if God has planned them) will teach me how to "live more" vibrantly and fully for HIM.  I am turning 30 when I was 14 i didn't think I would make it to this age. I have been blessed...truly, wonderfully, blessed. I am turning 30. If I thought my 20's were a wild crazy ride I am sure my 30's will probably get a little more crazier and wonderful.

I am turning 30.

1 comment:

Beth said...

Happy Birthday bestie!!!