Okay, so I'm not going to lie this is going to be a very honest post that I would ask those that read it (if anyone does) to be gracious in any feed back you might leave..simply because I'm human and what I'm writing is simply just what I feel and feelings can be very wrong and misguiding. Just promise me you'll keep reading because I like to think that usually something redeeming comes out of being honest.
I am jealous. I'm jealous that after moving here 3yrs ago that my husband still has not been able to find a job that covers all of our student loans. I'm tired of having the majority of our loans on forbearance. I'm tired of April rolling around year after year and having to wonder "will we get a forbearance this year or will my husband once again have to take on a 2nd job, or will I have to get a job." I'm jealous that after 3yrs of my husband looking and searching ect that we now feel pigeon holed to stay with the same company he works for because my husband has been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis which insurance company elsewhere will see as a "pre-existing" condition and will deny him of health insurance if he was to switch companies. Okay so I'm not jealous of these things. But I am jealous of what seems like "all" the people I know getting good paying jobs only after months, or weeks, of searching because they have "connections" and my husband doesn't. We have no connections and I'm jealous that the "connections" that we thought we would have did not connect us with anything because well my husbands talents are just not as well known. And I'm heart broken and saddened because all of these things makes me foolishly think. "Maybe, we're not as loved as I thought we were."
Now all that said I know that these thoughts and this "jealousy" is definitely not was God calls me to think and feel. I know that all though human, they are still sinful thoughts...and what I should be doing as a believer in the all powerful God, and Jesus Christ I am supposed to "rejoice" for those that our rejoicing. I find it really hard at times to do that and I feel fake saying to someone "Hey that's great!" when I'm really thinking..."man, i wish we were you." And there my friends is the problem.
If God calls me to rejoice for those that rejoice, if he calls me to take hold of the promise of the future that we have in Jesus Christ, if he calls me to look forward in the hope that we have through the redemption of sin, to not think on earthly things but on heavenly ones...how do I do that in a stage of life where God is disciplining (and I don't use that term for punishing but truly I believe he is allowing us to go through a hard time to lead us to greater things later.)
This moment, is a hard moment for me to truly rejoice as well as to focus on Christ instead of my circumstance. Please know this isn't a daily struggle but it is a struggle that rears it's head. Most of the time, I combat the sinful thoughts changing my thinking pattern but tonight...I don't want to change it I want to give in to all the self pity and I want to scream out to God..."UM HELLO! DO YOU REMEMBER ME! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WE'RE WAITING ON THE SAME THING AND WE'VE BEEN WAITING A LOT LONGER!" And then as I think about everything that I have just confessed I remember that God has not forgotten about me and my little family. We still have food, we still have shelter, we are in no danger of losing any of these things. God provided for us last year by allowing us to pay off our car which the monthly payment we were making could be allotted to the increase of a student loan payment. I think of all the days and the moments when I have truly in my heart lifted praise to God and rejoiced with others. I remember that I have close friends near by that have not forgotten because they still have us on their prayer list and they have for the last 3yrs...and I remember that they are waiting too...they are waiting to grow their family by one more and they have waited a lot longer than 3yrs to do so. And they loving wait and pray for the right job for my husband and these same dear friends have been instruments in the Lord providing many wonderful gifts and blessings to our home and our hearts. I weep in remembering how the Lord has remembered me through them.
As I come to the end of my post I weep because all of this shows me how sinful my heart can be and how easily my eyes are taken off the only ONE that can bring everlasting peace and security. I long for the day that I won't struggle with sin anymore...for the day that I will be with Christ. The day that I will truly see! I pray that Christ love will continue to change me that my struggle covetousness will lesson and that these moments that I have had all too much of this year might be very few next year!
3 comments:
For seven years, my complaints were quite similar to yours. Have you forgotten about us down here, God? Do you realize we're suffering?
Our last home was over a hundred years old. Looking back, I can't understand what we were thinking, buying that home. It needed repairs on the electric, plumbing, roof, and flooring. We thought, for sure, we could take on the project. My husband has saved a significant amount of money while stationed overseas, so we foolishly thought we could take it on. After a year of living in that home, and only a small portion of the repairs had been made, my husband was laid off from his job. This was 2008, and the economy was at it's absolute worst! It took him nearly seven months to find a steady job. In that time, our heating and air went out. We suffered tremendously that winter. I remembering passing homes and seeing smoke coming out of their chimney's. That was the most depressing sight I'd ever seen because I knew we were going to go home to a frozen tundra with three young children. While there was a fireplace in every room of the house, it was too dangerous to use them. Because the electrical wiring was s old, plugging portable heaters were also dangerous...plus, one room required much more heat than one little heater would provide. At night, our children slept in our room, so that we could bundle up and stay warm together. In that time, my friends would complain about such silly things. Those conversations always amazed me, because they had no idea what "roughing it" really meant! Like you, I was jealous of them, because I thought, "If that's the worst thing they have going on in their lives, I'd sure like to switch places!".
It took us seven years to get out of that house. I prayed, fervently, and felt desperate as I begged God to find favor for us all seven years. That house was way more my husband's idea than it was mine.
And you know what? I wouldn't change one minute of those seven years. Going through that situation has humbled me. It made me a MUCH stronger person! I learned how to be creative when need be. It has made me so much more aware of the sufferings of this world (afterall, there is always someone going through something far worse than us!) and much more sympathetic. It has made me appreciate everything! Everything! Seriously....down to warm cozy socks, or modern plumbing and electrical outlets! We've been in our new home for a little over two months now, and I can honestly say that there hasn't been one single day go by that I haven't felt so extremely grateful for the ability to adjust the thermostat, and have the results I was hoping for each and every time! There hasn't been one day that I haven't been thankful for the suffering, because I KNOW that I wouldn't be near as grateful for all the things I've been given, had they been easy to come by. Allow God to teach you, through your financial sufferings! Remember that you are human, and jealousy is inevitable...but ask God to give you strength through your suffering. At the end of this, you are going to learn so much about yourself. Praying that you are happy with the person you find yourself to be. Hugs and prayers!
Thanks so much Christy :) Your testimony is very encouraging..Sometimes it's good to know that I'm not the only christian with jealous thoughts :) And I agree with you. I can already see how grateful I am for the "little" things of life because of things that I've been wihtout before
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