help my unbelief

My little family and I have had a tough 1yr 1/2. Like so many other couples gone before us who have stepped out in faith believing that God had a specific plan in store, yet also believing that he had 'our plan' in store, we've discovered that 'our plans' are not necessarily his plans.

I knew that moving out here to come to seminary wasn't going to be easy but I guess I wasn't planning on it being as hard as it has been as 1yr 1/2 later my husband is still not in school and our bills are still barely getting paid. Through it all though we have learned many lessons that neither of us would trade for a 1yr 1/2 in Maryland with a better paying job and less financial worries. I suppose that there really are some things that money can not buy.

All though through out this year I've had to deal with the temptation to have what I call "the why me again" syndrome. As I've already had many trials in my short 26yrs of life and often feel like when God allows more trials to come that he is somehow being cruel and merciless to me which is so not true. And I've had other moments where I have felt truly humbled because I look at all I've been through and I'm left to ponder the question "How does God intend to use me, in what way does he intend to use me for his glory to have allowed me to gain wisdom beyond my years?"I have not arrived though and every time that I think I have I am quickly reminded that I am not all that and a bag of chips.

Today, I got a glimpse of my faithless heart when my husband was applying for a job that would not only meet our needs but far exceed them. I thought to myself "Could God give him that job? Of Course. Will God give him that job? Probably not." Later when I was reflecting on my thoughts I realised that somewhere in the last 1yr 1/2 I began to despair. I began to lose hope, I became dismayed which isn't what this blog is supposed to be about. It isn't what my life was supposed to be about. And then I thought to myself about the stories of Jesus not doing miracles amongst the people not because he couldn't do them but because they didn't believe. And maybe God hasn't provided a better job for Carl because we haven't believed. Neither of us, and we admitted that to ourselves, each other and to God tonight that we've been so caught up in feeling despair that we've lost sight of the hope that is right before us.

I don't believe that God is a genie ready to grant us all our wishes but I do believe that he is capable of doing more than we could possibly imagine. I wonder, I just wonder what God would do if I stopped despairing and I just started believing, truly believing that He is good, fair, righteous, just, true, honorable, a protector, a father, and a provider.

It is so hard though, to not get caught up in our circumstances and to look to the one true and sure thing that we can count on.

So here am I Lord, I believe but help my unbelief.