What you should read

If you haven't read Robb's post on The Grenz about community you should read it now. What beautiful and challenging thoughts he articulates so well. I have a lot to learn about when it comes to writing. Sometimes I write very well and other times...not so much. I try to read, what i like to consider, from good writer's because it teaches me another aspect of writing that I didn't know about. And just from that one sentence i can tell i still have a lot to learn.



Robb's post was deeply challenging for me, especially on a day like today, where i have felt lonely and not so sure of who to call, or of where to turn. On days like today, i try to stay busy around the house but as all of us ladies know their is only so much cleaning one can do before even that becomes depressive in and of itself. Mostly, all I long for on lonely days is to be apart of a community. That is probably why i spend most of my time on Facebook waiting for a friend to come on so that I can chat with them, hopefully. And after I read Robb's post I now ask myself why don't i just call someone? I think Robb hit it right on the mark, I'm scared.



I'm afraid to call people and I'm afraid to ask them into my life, mostly because i'm afraid that they'll discover what I really am and then they'll walk out. Or I'm afraid that they won't have the time, I assume that they are busy Mom's. I will admit that is a reason why i don't call people, seems as though when i call it's never a good time and i may not get a call back from them.



I'm also afraid because in the past I've opened myself and I've been burned and I don't want to face that kind of hurt again...so that makes me cautious very cautious. It isn't right but i think that the more negative experiences one has the more guarded they easily become. But where's that balance? We should guard our hearts and not just give it away to anybody but how does one determine who it is that they can give it too? Maybe that is where the risk of it all comes into place.



I know that i am certainly not perfect, i say the wrong things in the wrong way alot, or i'll say the right things the wrong way, or the wrong things the right way and sometimes it's an endless cycle. I have a lot of maturing left to do, at times i think that as a woman of 26 I'm doing pretty well...but I have a ways to go yet still, that's the reality of it.



I find myself hiding more from people that I really care about because as I change with maturity and age I don't know if they'll like me anymore...so instead of continually trying to build I just hide. I don't think that's right.



Challenging thoughts, very challenging.