Things are starting to look up

Carl getting a new job is a huge life changing event for me. All of a sudden it's like the clouds are blue again and sun has finally returned. I guess i feel as though we can really be a family, not that we werent' before but i just felt so alone and so down all the time.

I'm still going to get some counseling, my pastor's wife suggested a biblical counselor that helped her husband work through some of the same issues that I have. I have to fill out some paperwork first but the counseling is free and hopefully will begin soon. I think it's going to be a good thing and may help me set some structure to my life.

I've always lacked structure. When i was growing up I definately did not have structure or stability in my home, so it's been hard for me to develop it on my own. Others have tried to mentor me and help me to develop some but I've always fought them, thinking that I either didnt' need it, or that I needed to do it on my own. But how do you develop something on your own with out really knowing how.

I must admit, I think there's a part of me that has always longed for and craved for structure and stability. It's probably one of the reasons why I chose to go to BBC. I hated their legalistic rules but didn't really seem to mind the "room checks" or "curfews." A lot of students felt like we were being treated like children, and maybe we were but for someone who didn't have a parent telling them to clean their room or what time to be home...I needed it.

I think that the longing for structure and stability also played a part in choosing my husband, he's not perfect, but the fact that he disciplines himself in certain areas of life really appealed to me because I've really lacked disciplin. I'm sure it also played a part in why I wanted to get married so quickly...dating, to me, just seemed too unstable while marriage, was really commiting to something.

Being a mother has also added some structure to my life, Ellie has a specific schedule that she follows and she makes sure that I follow it...in some ways her crying has "disciplined" me into finding structure. I love her so much and i think it's been a big part of my "awakening."

So this need for structure and stability really pushed Carl into getting a new job. I feel very selfish for asking him to give up a job that he really liked and succeeded at but also very loved when he told me that he would. I'm more important to him than a job, and as he put it he doesn't want to see me or Ellie be left behind. I am so thankful for a supporting husband...God really blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Growing up, I wasn't more important to my dad than a job...I know that he loved me and wanted to provide for his children...I know that now..but I thought and felt as a child like his job was more important than me.

It's an amazing relief to me to know that I'm more important to my husband than a job...

All of this to say that I feel like life can really begin again for me, I'm ready for help, I'm ready for change, and God has been directing my heart to seek it, even though I'm afraid.

I told Carl the other day that I feel like I'm about to enter into spiritual and emotional boot camp. But the God kind of boot camp...which I know can be hard but ultimately will always be good.