After my freshmen year of college I had a choice to make, either move out and into another family's home or risk the possibility of not going back to college in the fall. I was deeply afraid of what my father would think of me if I moved in with another family and my pastor, friend, mentor lovingly said these words to me, "Sara you can't live your life based on fear ."
I've always been afraid. Those who read my posts regularly have seen these kind of posts before.
Now i find myself asking the question "why?" Why am I so afraid?
Here's a list of everything that I would like to do with myself and the thing that I fear corresponding with it.
Make more friends-fear of rejection
Get to know my neighbors-fear of rejection
Lose weight-fear of failure
Get a complete makeover-fear of spending too much money
Write a book-fear of not being a good writer and nobody would want to read it.
Would like to speak at a conference-who would want to listen to me
Now this is just a short list but do we see a theme?I really lack some confidence and i feel really ashamed by that.
Should I get counseling? Honestly...does anyone out there think that counseling might help me overcome this issue in my life. Because I'm tired, I'm tired of not doing anything, i'm tired of eating away my pain and lonliness.
Vanessa - another good friend and mentor and those who know her are you not just more blessed because of this woman-once asked me what I wanted...I've never really been asked that question before and I've never asked myself that question. I didn't have an answer then but I have one now.
I want to be a confident and inspiring young woman, mother, wife, and daughter. I want a stronger richer relationship with the Lord and with other people. I want to fulfill my purpose in life and I want to discover what that purpose really is. I know it is too ultimately glorify God, but I want to know what exactly that looks like for my life.
Who does one go to for this type of counseling. I will admit I don't really want to see either a (for the lack of a better word) "wordly counselor" because I've known of some that have given really unbiblical counseling. But i don't really want to see a Christian counselor because a lot them bring out the bible and just give, "read more" "pray more" kind of answers that just leave you feeling more confused.
Do I even need counseling? Maybe i'm just in a funk from being a new mother...but i'm not sure that would explain the years of bad patterns. Maybe I need a refresher course of some kind?
I know two things right now...I know that if I get professional counseling I am deeply afraid of ripping off old scabs...but I'm also afraid that if I don't get counseling those scabs will just stay and never fully heal.
My biggest problem, I'm afraid to humble myself and ask for help...So this is something that I am going to do now more subtle and maybe on a grander scale soon.
What do you think?
5 comments:
I'm thinking on this....
But I'll tell you this. I spent time last week with a woman in the gallery. She is a very inward, intense person, but I love her paintings and I knew I would like her immensely. And I was right.
I was dying of curiosity to hear her story...to find out why she paints...and how she got started...
In time she revealed that she had wanted to paint since she was 17 years old. And she went to art school. But she realized that if she was going to make a living at painting she would have to have something to say, would have to develop a perspective, and some experience.
So she left art school. Became a special education teacher. Got her master's in social work. And every day, she got up early to paint.
When she retired, she had something to say. Her paintings express something much more than a pretty waterfall...
Knowing that you want to go somewhere is the first part...like seeing the top of the hill. Then you have to start saying "yes" to the things that will take you in that direction. Discipline yourself to keep trying to do it, no matter what...
If fear really is the thing that is holding you back, then maybe counseling is something to pursue. But we all feel afraid. Every single day. You will never not be afraid. It is either the thing that burns you up and burns you out, or it is the thing that propels you forward.
And it's okay if you are in a funk right now. You have a new baby. That's what having a new baby is like. We all go there for a while and it's normal and maybe even a little bit healthy. We learn a lot about God when we become parents.
Write a little bit every day. It will help you. You'll see things about yourself and your world that you didn't notice. Discipline yourself, read, educate yourself as much as possible about what matters most to you. And when you least expect it, an opportunity to say yes to something will come along and you will be ready to say yes. It will feel like a normal extention of yourself and not a giant leap.
Thanks for praying for us. It has been hard, but God is good.
As I read your blog...I felt...hey I've heard this before...in my own heart. You are a tired momma and my mom's best advice is always first, sleep.
I have gone the counseling root at different times in my life and I'm not ashamed at all that I did...it was a huge help. I found each time that my counselor was a great encouragement. They were not the "read your bible and pray about it and it will go away" type of people or I would have really struggled. There are some great counselors out there who are a huge blessing and help you get things out of your own head.
However, there are also times I have found some awesome books that have helped me to work through things on my own and in conversations with others. They have "counseled" me and challanged me.
I think you are humbling yourself by sharing and it's wise that you realize that sometimes it's going to hurt and be messy before you get past stuff.
However...get sleep, give it time, and realize you are human. You are a new mom and having a child is one of the biggest life change a person can go through and it causes a lot of identity challanges!
If you ever need to talk...both mom and I are here and I know ness would say the same thing. Sometime it just helps to talk to another mom. I can also get you an idea of a few books that helped me to work through fear issues and identity stuff.
I agree with ness on the journaling stuff and find some verses to post around you. Find encouraging music to listen to and dont' be afraid to ask for help.
Love you girl!!
Thanks I love you both very much!
Yes you need counseling. I have been there and would go again. WHY do I say that? Your history. Your parents while physically present were not there emotionally to encourage you and help you build belief in yourself.
You seem to have the "baby" blues. You have a history of depression, and a family history of it.
Counseling is not either good or evil. You can learn from it all. As one of my Pastor's taught, "All truth is God's truth", and that is what counseling can help bring out---YOUR truth.
Leadership blogs, books and conferences have helped me. I at once time was a Preacher boy's wife afraid that I would buy the wrong toothpaste, Praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me as to what route to take home. I lived with fear. Fear is facing yourself.
I LOVE the Book, "Face the fear and do it anyway". It changed my life. She has a website and good stuff on it.
Fear is letting go of yourself and free falling into what God has for you. It's kinda cool.
You never "arrive"...just like stages in parenting, just when you think you have a handle on life, another stage comes. Life is a moving walkway, and the doors close as you move along the path. It helps you to grow, and change.
Sometimes..
It
REALLY
REALLY
SUCKS.
SOMETIMES...
It doesn.t
Thanks again everyone. I talked to some of the ladies at my church too and a wife of one of my pastor's recommended a good counselor that her husband went to for the same issues that I have...except the baby blues part...lol. But it's good to know that we're not alone and even those we look up to need a little more help sometimes.
I"m in the process now in arranging a time.
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