Some real confessions from a woman whose always been afraid to have them.

God has really been challenging me the last couple of days to bring back something in my life that I've lost for too long. Something that I once was praised for by others on a regular bases. And because my mind has been racing all night along with having the normal 9month pregnancy issues I find myself awake, wide awake, at 5:30 in the morning trying to bring back this thing called "realness" and "transparency" again.

When I first became a Christian i was often told by other Christians that i was intimidating to them. Intimidating because i was too "real" and too "opened" I said and spoke things that many older believers longed to voice in public but never did. I was "admired" for this ability and when i was once asked why i was the way i was my answer to them was"I had no other choice."

God had not placed me in a home in which I could share openly and receive good counsel from other believers. So if i wasn't honest about what was really going on in my life how then could i grow in wisdom? What then could i possibly someday offer some other believer in a similar situation? So i became opened and honest and it was because of this "teachable" spirit that many people placed their arms lovingly around me.

But truthfully somewhere in the past 3 years i began to lose that. I think partially because of my own sinful pride issues not in thinking that i have somehow "arrived" but in thinking that I was old enough and should then somehow figure it out for myself.

And then the more this type of pride set in the more fear took root in my heart and for along time I've been operating, surviving, on fear mode.

As a result there hasn't been a lot of people in the past 2 years that really know me well. My husband is probably the only one I've been honest to and that's because he is a patient man. He has worked really hard in the last 1 1/2 years to draw me back out.

And the other day another friend of mine helped me to see that "the real me" has been missed. And i think that's a good way to put it.

I guess this is an attempt to help friends begin to see me again for who i really am. To show them parts of me that I've been hiding for too long and to attempt to be brave, honest, teachable, once more.

These are my confessions.

I'm a runner....not physically, but more emotionally I run away from things. Some of this is because that's what i saw growing up. Things got tough for my mom in her marriage and raising kids so she ran away. Things got tough for my dad in good relationships and in his relationships with his kids so he emotionally checked himself out. My mom was the way she was for reasons that i don't have time to write a book for and my dad was and is the way he is because he was fearful of making things worse if he tried.

I'm like my dad. I run away because it has so often seemed like by trying to change things I've sometimes made them worse.

My biggest issue with running has been with my sin issues. I somehow have litterally thought that if i just try to ignore the problems then they will magically disappear by themselves. And in some cases I've literally moved...like states...in hopes that they would. It works for a little while but eventually they rear their ugly heads again because the root was never pulled. Then a frustrating cycle begins all over again and i find myself discontent and lonely once more.

I thought about a lot about this last recent move to Kentucky, and my reasons why...truthfully my husband had the right reasons...God had been working in him a long time...but I'm not here to talk about his reasons. Let's just say my reasons weren't all that right, i eagerly and joyfully let my husband move us because i wanted to run again. So why would i debate?

I don't think it was a mistake for us to move...I know that God wants us here, i can see why. Carl prayed about specific things before we moved and God placed all of them into line and if our current state of affairs would have been made known then...Carl would not have allowed us to move no matter how much i eagerly wanted it.

The mistake that was made in moving was my thinking that all my problems would be solved by it...i knew it would be difficult. I really did. But don't you see that i was hoping to trade my old set of problems for new ones that i already knew how to get through. And, well, God just doesn't work that way.

He let me keep my old problems and he let me gain a whole new set of ones.

Thankfully, due to some good honest feedback from friends, the old set of circumstantial problems are slowly beginning to be resolved.

Some other "running moments" in history. When i moved to Arkansas.

The summer i moved to Arkansas i was deeply struggling with major sin issues of pride and fear. I moved because I was afraid if i stayed in New York that somehow i wasn't really going to live life to the fullest. I was having a somewhat of a "after college" crisis i believe and again if i somehow "distracted" myself from my fears then they would just magically disappear.

So I moved even though I knew then, just as I know now...I'm not an emergent believer. But i thought that even though i disagreed with a lot of emergent philosophy...i thought that the fact that I agreed that loving people and building relationships would truly be enough that I could feel satisfied and pour myself into the ministry.

But you know what it was really hard. I was extremely lonely in Arkansas until Daisy came and somewhat lonely even after she came and it wasn't any ones fault but my own. I grew too afraid to really be honest with those around me about how i truly saw things. So i ran away, that time not to another state, but i purposefully left myself out because I was afraid of being seen as the enemy. I did enough and i functioned enough to just get by. It was wrong and cowardly of me and I did a terrible injustice to that church because i could have and was capable of doing so much more. For that i apologize and ask forgiveness. I'm sorry, i really am.

When I got married i even ran away from my husband at times and I'm so very thankful that he took some good premarital counseling advice and always ran after me. We may not have made it through that first year if it wasn't because of his patient,enduring love.

I ran away from our old church in Maryland even though they were more theologically in line with what i thought. I still didn't feel safe

I haven't felt safe in a long time and then we moved here.

I never thought i would find a conservative church that believed in loving people just where they were at and seeking to lovingly help move them forward.

i went to the ladies bible study on Wednesday and for the first time in along time I was real. I emotionally just threw up on them and they just loved and encouraged me.

We're reading The Gospel for Real life by Jerry Bridges...i was really skeptical at first but i think it's going to be a good study and a good read.

The biggest thing the author is talking about right now is how "its really hard to see just how good the gospel is if we aren't able to first see how bad we really are."

He is also talking about how the Gospel is often seen as something just for unbelievers, like its a just get people saved philosophy and then it has no use outside of that. When in reality for believers its a rich treasure trove that we have available to access daily, it is mercy being poured into our lives on a regular bases giving us the ability and strength to over come our sins daily.

And then I realized something Wednesday night, its of no wonder I've struggled with the same issues of pride and fear for so long...I haven't been taping into that treasure trove. I've been relying on myself and not enough on Christ. I've seen the gospel as only for salvation in the eternal sense and not also for the immediate sense.

I think God is changing all of that now.

It's not almost 7:00am and I've been up since 5. I should try to get some sleep so i can function today.

I pray that this letter wasn't discouraging to people, but i hope that some of it was challenging and encouraging to your hearts in some way.

All i can say is be expecting to see me from now on and don't be afraid to call me out if I'm not.