I am 37 weeks along now and with all that i am trying to do to preapre for my little arrival soon I've found myself thinking a lot about what its like to be a new DAD...yes that's right a new dad.
I've talked to a lot of women about being new moms and what are some good tips for handling things like recovering from child birth; as well as needing to start caring for someone else at the exact same time. But what about new dads? What's it like for them?
I recognize that most new moms get a lot of comfort and help because that transition is very different for a the mom in the process...but what about new dads?
I asked Carl that question and he just responded with "Well, I don't know. I'll tell you in a few months..." So now I'm asking friends...what was it like for your spouse? What did they struggle with and how did they cope?If you don't mind sharing and if they won't mind you sharing.
I guess I just don't want to be completely insensitive to the fact that my husband will be going through some changes too and while those changes will be different in ways than mine will be I just don't want to neglect him. I don't want to be self absorbed in my own transitioning that i forget that he is transitioning too and i don't want to lose that connection with him.
I guess that leads to another question how do we in that time of adjustment, recovery, and setting a different pace in the home...how do we still make or find ways to connect with each other even when we are completely exhausted and feel like we're over our heads?
I think I've just heard too many stories of marriages that fall apart once a new baby comes and it's like 6 months to a year before they even start to reconnect even on an emotional level...and I just don't want that. I don't want that...so me and my be prepared mentality doesn't want to be naive and think "oh but it will be so easy" when in reality it probably isn't going to be.
And then that leads me to ask another question; what about sex? I mean after about 6 or 12 weeks depending on the type of birth ect... men are definately ready to start that routine again. But what about women? I mean how do we work through that process of seeing ourselves as more than just a life support but as a sexual being. Especially if there is/was an extremely hard and difficult labor. I imagine sex being the furthest things from our minds even after 6 weeks of recovery.
I know these may sound like extremely personal questions but the truth is I feel opened enough asking them now and I don't know if after i have our baby i'll feel quite as less vulnerable then.
So any gentle advice i can get would be great.
3 comments:
these are good questions that deserve a peak through Christian glasses.
I think a lot of new moms accidentally slip into a kind of idolatry for their baby and being a mother. That relationship is so different and so amazing in some ways that they place too high a priority on it....they get so wrapped up in the baby making them feel important (and really who is more important to a newborn than the lady with the good stuff?)that they ignore their husbands needs.
The thing with adding a new person in the family, is that the pieces of pie (energy, emotion, time) are smaller than they were before. But you don't stop dishing out pie. Nobody should go hungry. Not Momma, Not Daddy, Not baby.
Robb and I were very clear that our babies were coming into our established family. Starting with Mattie, we taught our kids that we were a family before they were born and that we were all working together to take care of one another. So far, that has been a good philosophy for us. It's helped us maintain a certain amount of balance. It's getting harder now that the kids are older and Robb and I need to revise some of our ways of doing things in order to include the kids more. But we still maintain that the best thing we can give our kids is a healthy marriage.
Sex after baby IS hard. You do feel different. It's sometimes hard to jive cuddling baby and being a sex goddess. You have to let go of any hollywood notions and thing more crunchy, earthy, "hey, I gave this guy a baby...I'm desirable because I carried this baby." That's not a real 21st century, western value, but maybe it should be. Sometimes you have to figure out how to embrace your inner hippie and murder the Victorian in you.
As to dads, well...they do just have to be patient and grow and not be selfish pigs. You do have to just do the deed sometimes, even when you are tired, and keep the connection going, even when you are very tired. It's important to save a drop of energy for hubby if you can and not spend it all on baby.
It is hard, but it's also not so bad. I tend to think that marriages that struggle with new baby were a little screwy in the first place. Because after all, children are a blessing.
Thanks vanessa, that's great stuff.
for the new dad...i think what he is like during pregnancy with be similar to what he will be like after. kevin tended to get very protective and concerned about a lot of little details. he was a little more careful and safe and nervous both during my pregnancy and then with Jack.
I think it depends on the wife too. if the wife is a baby hogger and wants to hold the baby and do everything for it all the time, the dad might feel left out. I was always happy to let people enjoy him as much as possible and tended to enjoy seeing him be enjoyed by others...especially kevin.
i think that helped keep us emotionally close...i really enjoyed watching kevin be a dad and tried to communicate that. I also tried to communicate how i was doing...though i wasn't always good at it.
i agree with ness...it's somewhat a mindset from the beginning...is the world revolving around the baby or is the baby joining our world? jack had to learn to be flexible from the beginning especially because of our ministry.
as for sex. it's definitely different. your body has gone through some major things and it wasn't all that exciting for kevin at first either because he saw what happened down there too. but, we tried to keep communication open and be willing to help him enjoy things in other ways...it takes some creativity sometimes. when you know it is getting close to the ok...it helps to start thinking about it and planning how to help get your mind into it. it may be putting on some make up and doing your hair every day to start feeling better about yourself or buying something special to help you both make it important...ie a new lube...and it is so helpful to communicate how you feel. kevin was encouraging to me about how i looked even if i didn't completely believe it. most of all...keep remembering what makes him so special.
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