Not in a shadow any more

For so long I've felt as though I've been living in the shadows of other women around me.

In high school i longed for this since i did not have a mother at home to try to mimic and become. And even in college i just wanted to know how to be a woman so i followed other women around and tried to learn a little bit of something from them. But i think there came a point where i decided that it was time to just figure out me and that was during the time i like to call my "Vintage Year."

Then, well then, i got into this thing called a relationship which then led me straight into a marriage which then changed me in numerous ways. And i then felt constrained by women who wanted to teach me how to be like them...I no longer wanted to just mimic but i wanted to really develop who i was and my creativity's, my thoughts, interests, dislikes, and even develop my own ministry philosophy's (if that is even possible.) But i felt like the environment i was in was just holding me back.

This was one of the reasons why Carl made the decision that it was time for us to move. Not the major reason but one of the reasons.

Now I'm in a completely different environment, with no other women around me that i feel obligated to have to mimic or follow and i feel more free, if that makes any sense. I feel like i have the space and room now to arrange my house the way that i want it to and to have my husband move the furniture completely around for me 5 times until i come up with a set up that I actually like.

I also feel more confident in being purposeful in pursuing God honoring friendships with other women even though it is hard for me at times. And I feel free to dream again of the ways that i would like to serve God in the community around me.

Carl and I are visiting an Inner City church called Immanuel this Sunday and I'm excited about it. I'm excited and proud (but not trying to be a boastful proud) I'm just proud that I took the initiative to contact a pastor from the church and ask if they knew of anyone we could connect up with on Sunday. So this Sunday Carl and I are going to a new church and purposefully connecting with complete strangers over lunch to see if this is where God would have us to serve.

I'm also excited about having a baby, this is a good thing for me especially since i really wasn't that excited about it for the first 4 months. I actually just didn't know what to think about it. But now as I'm getting closer to becoming a mom. I'm excited and I'm confident that all though i do not know everything there is to it and i do not have any experience, i can still be confident because my Lord knows exactly what he is doing and knows exactly how to teach me.

It's exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because i have a chance to give my child a loving, caring supportive home that i did not have. Scary because i have only ideas of what that looks like and have no clue as to how those ideas will play out.

So I'm here, free to be me, free to have my opinions about society, politics, religion, faith etc. Free to arrange my house and decorate it the way that i want to. Free to step out and take chances in building relationships and free to learn about birthing and becoming a mom in whatever way i choose.

All though I'm scared in some ways to be out of the shadows and into the sun...I'm also excited about it because i see that God's just been preparing me for this and now he's allowing me some new freedom i didn't always have before.