A blog about my life..

Thanks to Donna and her wonderful suggestions of what I should blog about I finally think that i have some thoughts for all of you...So thanks to Donna!

I am just going to make this post simple by simply answering the questions that Donna asked me on my last post.

My feelings about progressing relationship:

This question brings up a lot of thoughts/feelings. One of those being i'm still feeling a little bit frightened. It seems so foreign to me to have a person in my life who is thinking about commiting to love me and care for me as long as I/he lives.

This one idea goes against the majority of what my family has taught me, to BE SELF-SUFFICIENT. To not depend on the opposite sex to care, or love, ect because more often than not they will let you down and you'll be left scarred, bruised, and broken. BUT I have finally come to a place where i can completely disagree with them.

It was about 2 and1/2 months into my relationship when i called Vanessa and told her that if i go into this thing any farther I seriously would walk away depressed and heart broken if it ever ended. I shared with Vanessa my scared feelings and she calmly and insightfully walked me off of the edge. She gently reminded me that my relationship with Carl had more than just potential heart break to it, but that it had a potential long lasting, loving relationship to it..and that any risk of heart break would be completely worth seeing it through.

The truth is my insecurities come back, my childhood experiences haunt me still at times as much as i have committed to not letting them master me today. I get scared still that maybe they are true. Maybe i'm doomed to repeat divorce, hurt, infedelity, the mistakes of my family members...maybe i'm not worth such a great personal love, maybe God shouldn't be given me this gift that He has given me?

Then I pray and i ask God to remind me of His truth, to not let me fall to my insecurities, to those awefull thoughts that i have at times, to not let me give up because of fear. I remember verses and i remember people who have struggled and have overcome.

EXCITED:

I am also very excited about my progressing relationship. I love Carl a lot. We have been able to grow and connect in a few months in ways we weren't able to in college. We have had our struggles, we have had our disagreements, we have had our long talks, and our 'Please forgive me' moments and all of those things encourage me. They encourage me because i can see that my love for Carl isn't just an infatuation, that this isn't just romance that we have going on...but we seem to be building, and laying, a foundation that will help us we continue to date and hopefully will carry over into a marriage. That excites me.

I'm excited over positive feed back from Robb and Vanessa about my relationship with Carl. I trust their insite. I trust their instincts and they have not at one moment said...'we just have a bad feeling about that one...' i think they were more sold on Carl than i was at the beginning and that encouraged me to move forward with their support.

Marriage date?

Time will only tell. For a while i used to say that Carl and i had to get married within a certain time frame but i no longer feel that way. 1. i don't think it is good to put a time frame of when God can and can not work 2. I surrendered my fears to God about a week ago. I told God that i was afraid that he would rip Carl out of my life and that i would indeed end up like my family members but i also told God that i needed to trust HIM more, that i needed to give all of my relationship to God including the time frame for marriage because ultimately HE knows what is best and HE knows what He is doing.

What I hope to Gain in life:

I hope that i will continue to gain a good sense of understanding, love and compassion for those around me. I think jobs will come and go, so will houses, and cars...ect...But where ever i'll end up there will always be people. I want to invest my life into people...and to best do that and to invest in a variety of people i will need a good sense of love, compassion and understanding.

1 Year, 3, Years 5 years

One year i hope to be married, 3 years i may have one child, maybe? 5 years, i hope to be married with at least 1 child and having a husband who is in seminary.
I hope that i will continually pouring my gifts and services into a church...leading, teaching women and teenage girls...possiblly writing a book about God's grace in difficult circumstances.

It's hard to look that far down the road when i'm not even sure where i'll be in another day? Maybe heaven? That would be nice for me.

Moving Date:

I have no idea...In the fall if i am not married then Daisy and i will move down to Fayetteville and Springdale to be closer to Vintage. If i am married than i will most likely be in Maryland.

Happy about:

Jesus, God, life, church, friends, and Carl. All of those things bring much needed joy into my heart. OH and i'm very excited about seeing Carl again in 22 days...wooo hooo!


Ending:

Thanks for the suggestions Donna, they were a good reminder of God's grace in my life