I have a friend in Pensslayvania whose marriage has been struggling for well over 2yrs. My friend openly tells me about her problems and frustrations and i give her the very limited advice that as a single woman could possibly give.
I tell my friend that i don't really know what the difficulties of marriage are that i have a vague idea but that i can't possibly help her in the same way someone with more knowledge and experience could. So, i suggested marriage counseling.
She doesn't want marriage counseling though for several reasons, but the main thing that she keeps saying over and over is that her and her husband will eventually work things out on their own. While to some extent that is definately true part of me can't help but wonder if their marriage has been struggling for the past 2 and1/2 yrs over the exact same issues (and we're not talking on and off, we're talking constant) that maybe it's time to get some outside oppionions.
Again though, i told my friend that i am no expert. I am not the person who can be offering the best counsel.
So, I'm asking my married friends, would you get marriage counseling? Or is too humbling or too humilating (for whatever reason) to do so?
Give me your thoughts because I'm rather clueless.
5 comments:
i would say yes in some aspects...the problem comes with the fact that both spouses have to be for it. If both are willing to work on it...definitely helpful! I have also found recommending books to help, if the person is a reader. It's also just nice to find people who are in a solid marriage to talk to.
going to counseling means two things: you are admitting to the fact that you have a problem and you want to do something about it besides complain. Going to counseling isn't the only way to express those two things, but it is a good one.
You go if you want your marriage to work more than you want to be afraid of what will come up.
Even if they don't both go, I had a friend who got married the summer after high school and regretted it with all her heart. Within months, she and he were living completly separate lives and she was thinking about having an affair. She went to counseling alone and now, 15 years later, they have a son together and are doing well. Course, it wasn't counseling that saved it, but she was so determined to stay married, they made it.
there are so many layers, who knows?
Tell them to go, and go quickly. Having been through all of it, and I do mean ALL of it, from the denial, to the admission of needing help, to the going to counseling alone, to the going together, and going alone again, and then not going anymore cause it was OVER, I say they need help and they need it fast. If she is even curious about it, tell her to go by herself to start and see if he'll go with her. Better they go together right away, but if it is one or none, one is better. It may very well be harder for him to embrace it. I didn't at first the first couple of times the word was mentioned, but it honestly was because I had NO IDEA how seriously bad things were, or how far gone she already was. If I had a clue, I would have run to counselling sooner. Once I realized how deadly serious she was about giving up and leaving, I made an appointment and was there within days. If they both sense that things are seriously not good, they both may be willing to take the step of seeking help.
Bottom line is we get help with all sorts of other areas of our lives, there shouldn't be any stigm about getting help in this area. Relationships in 2007 couldn't be more difficult and complicated, and sometimes we need outside input to make it around the next curve in the road. Doesn't the whole body of Christ concept teach us that life wasn't meant to be lived on our own and we need each other's help to journey through it? Why doesn't that apply to couples and relationships and marriage?
Here's another key; they need to find someone good. Who they go to may be as important as whether they go or not.
Can you tell I feel strongly about this? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and the divorce decree . . .
Been There, several times...(does it count if you marry the first guy twice)? Went the first time by myself, ex was PO'd.."because I wasn't going to a Christian". ...well the issues I had were NOT "christian" issues, they were life issues. It literally saved my life. Literally. I realized if I whacked myself.."he'd win".
Went to a Pastor for a while, who took the information gained in my counseling session, and called my ex and blabbed everything. Yah. That didn't work out so well. A GOOD counselor, I agree with.
One guy I know...has a great way of saying stuff..."do You want a More complicated life?"...then says..Well Life doesn't get more complicated, than being divorced, running two households, child support, child custody etc.Life doesn't get worse than telling everyone in your future that you've been divorced.
Don has a cool way to sort stuff out that doens't hurt feelings so much. IS it a "roommate" issue (not stocking toilet paper, dirty dishes etc), or is it a "relationshiP" problem: ie: embarassing them, harsh words etc.
I'm pissed I didn't get a T-shirt..I just got the decree. LOL
Choosing not to go to counseling is like not going to Doctor when YOu have pneumonia. YOu are going to be sick longer, take longer to heal, and be more vulnerable later.
Sometimes COunseling is not needed, because the person JUST WANTS OUT. If that is the case, no amount of game playing in counseling is going to help.
Thanks everyone,
I will continue to encourage my friend to pursue counseling. I'm glad i'm not the only who thinks that she should.
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