I debated for a long time whether or not to post this on my blog in fear that i will be mis-interpretated and scrutinized for my lack of understanding and knowledge.
However, i figure that if everyone else is allowed to be honest about where they are at and the things that they struggle with and people openly still love them and respect them; than hopefully i can do the same and they will do the same for me.
I"ve been thinking a lot about life as of late. All the craziness that it entails a good chunk of the time and then i think about these moments like now when i have nothing to do and no one to go see. Sometimes i feel like such a loser because my main objective right now is to be able to pay my bills, put gas in my car, and food in my stomach.
I miss the fellowship of close friends that i had in NY. I miss being a youth leader and I miss being able to prepare a sunday school lesson that can be longer than 5-10min.
Vintage has been a rough church for me to settle into; not because its so different than any other church that i've been apart of, but because it is harder for me to get to know people at vintage. I live 30 minutes away than most of those who attend Vintage. Since i can rarely afford to keep gas in my car visitng those who attend vintage seems to be reserved for the good weeks when i can afford to make more than one trip down into "Vintage-ville" ( that is what i like to call it). I teach the children while the adults have their service and I'm not married nor am i a mother. So all of these things added i feel as though i lack common ground with the majority of people at Vintage.
I also find myself wondering "where have all the single people gone?" Maybe i should rephrase that to"where have all the single people close to my age gone?" Maybe those singles who like me are struggling to find "there place in this world" are there and maybe i'm just missing out on meeting them between teaching and taking down the children's area. Now that i sit here thinking about this maybe i can eventually do something about that.
I think where the really intimidating part for me comes to play is when i'm done taking down the joint i find that the people around me are all engroused in conversations and i have no clue as to what they are talking about by the time that i enter the picture.
My perspective is still very limited because i'm not getting the view of the whole picture of all the things that are taking place at Vintage I can only see one part. And i think maybe when a person has such a limited perspective it easier to become discouraged with the area of service that God has them. ( maybe those of you who know more and see more than i do can offer me some encouragement.)
Yet, i can't help but believe that God is doing some great things at Vintage. I see it every Sunday on the people's faces as they leave those movie theater doors. I hear about it down at the food court from people who are so enamored that God has brought such a church like Vintage to NWA. . I hear it during the worship time while Kevin enthusiasticly with meaning shares his love and Vintage's love for our savior Jesus Christ. Finally, I see it on Robb and Aarons faces as they leave with the relief that they can discuss openly and fearlessly the topics that are important to real life. I mean how many church's really approach the topic of sex with such irony to call it "Turned on."
I"ve also noticed the relief on Vanessa's face, and possibly soul, for her to realize that she isn't the only one to not have it all together, and the encouragement that she gets from the other mother's and wives at Vintage.
So while i may be feeling 'left out' of the loop of great things happening at Vintage. I've realized that just because i don't feel it doesn't mean that it isn't there. And i've learned that it has been a priveledge to serve along side of people who have gotten the 'been there done that' t-shirts on the hurts of life.
As i think about serving at Vintage and why it could possibly be that God would direct me so far away from my own comfort in leading in other areas of church life that i knew back in NY. I realize and reflect more on things that Vanessa has told me in the past 2 months. Now isn't necessarily the time for me to shine but simply the time for me to serve and be used by God in the lives of others in the ways that he deems fit and necessary. Maybe I'm just supposed to soak in the experience and wisdom of all those years of service that Robb, Aaron, Jaye T, and Vanessa have...You know its the whole older teaching the younger type thing.
And who knows maybe this whole "Turned on" series will draw in some other singles like me who are also searching for 'their place in this world,' while not having it all together, and continously making big mistakes.
However, either way it's a lot like I was telling Carl the other day that after serving with a church like Vintage i don't think i could ever go back to the traditional denomination piano playing churches like the one in Ithaca.
So there you have it the honesty of where i'm at all i ask is that you find some way to be gentle and understanding with it.
6 comments:
I think you know on some level that what you are doing is amazing...I'm sorry I forget to say it often enough.
I think you might have missed the fact that people gave generously because ultimately, it would help YOU as much as it would help Daisy. That's because your efforts are not unnoticed.
You aren't a loser. You are a faithful contributor to the kingdom, a servant, who gets full marks for supporting me. You are my Timothy...I couldn't do this without you.
Sara,
Vanessa is right in all she says, and I echo her thoughts. We have not voiced our appreciation for all you do at Vintage near enough. Before you moved down here, Children's ministry was one of our top 2 or 3 issues for which we did not have a solution. Robb and Vanessa were trying to do all they could to lead it and run it, but there are too many other things that need their attention for which they are better equipped to contribute to this endeavor. Your commitment and responsibility in taking the burden of CM at Vintage has done HUGE things for them, the parents of the kids at Vintage, and for the overall progression of the church in our infancy.
I know that graduating from our alma mater leaves one with all sorts of grandiose ideas and dreams about how life will be once you're "in" ministry and it is the "real" thing. However, reality is different than those expectations in almost every case. I went through a lot of very difficult, very stretching, and very trying times as the youth pastor and then sr. pastor at Trinity. There are stories that you probably haven't heard about the transition there that were extremely challenging. I learned a lot, and had to grow up a lot, and grow a lot in maturity and spiritually. Then I went through the failure of my marriage and all that it entailed. That was excrutiating. When I moved down here and started over, literally living with my brother and unemployed for over a month, not being able to afford my own place for almost a year afterward, things weren't at all what I would have thought my life would be like at 28.
But, ALL of those things contributed to making me who I am now, and allowing me to do what I do at Vintage. And, I'm sure that there are things in my future that will be equally as challenging and difficult to understand at the time that will ultimately make me more able to be like Jesus and serve him.
Robb and Vanessa have had their share of trials and tribs along the way too, most of which you are familiar with.
So, your situation is not uncommon, and we have all experienced it.
I guess, what I have figured out, is that there is no such thing as "having arrived." We'll never get to the point where we think we're supposed to be, and from which we do all thing things we think we wanted to. I think that only happens in Heaven.
For now, we struggle with creation to be and do whatever we can for God. You're just getting started in your journey completely on your own. Don't be in too much of a hurry to get past this phase to the next one. Learn whatever God has for you. Enjoy all the positives that are part of where you are now.
Most of all, know that you are making an important and vital contribution to Vintage. This is real ministry. It may not be what you thought it was, but it doesn't get any more real than this. You're doing a great job, and together we have a committed and driven team that can accomplish all God wants us to.
Oh, and the love offering for Daisy was as much of a vote of confidence for you as it was an outpouring of love for her. Many people commented that what we do for Daisy, we do for Sara the Sunday that I presented the need. People know what you're doing whether it feels noticed or not. People appreciate it and love you for it.
I have found when I feel "left out" that i can reorganize SOMETHING to become part of crowd again.
WHy tear down right away? as soon as your last cherub is gone..SKOOT out to the crowds, talk to AT LEAST one person, give em your email address.
THEY NEED YOU as much or more than YOU need them!!Email is less threathening than "hey lets do coffee sometime".
How about...Volunteering to watch one of your SS kids some other night than SUnday morning. THat ingratieates you to the parent, AND you get ot know them on a one on one.
CLean up after everybody's gone. OR ask the parents to come back after THEY are done talking to help.
There is nothing like working TOGETHER to draw one close to another.
"FAITH- F amilies A re I mportant T o H im.
YOu are helping families happen.
JUst thought of something else. MOST of my adult life...in the church..I did NOT have children. I was "sterile". ALL the time I wasinvolved in Children's ministry. Bus routes, junior church etc.
I used it as training for when I would maybe be teaching in school or something like that as I KNEW I would NEVER haev my own kids because of the Cancer.
I think Most of Christian service is doing first, what NEEDS to be done, then when you are faithful, God expands you out more.
Donna,
One of our challenges at Vintage right now is that we have to be out of the theater by a certain time because they have a movie starting very soon after our service. We are always running late to get out of their way, and we are actually pushing our contracted time to be gone by 30 minutes every week. Technically, we aren't even renting the section of the theater in which we do children's ministry, so it is really important that we get out of there as quickly as possible and that it is like we were never there. We have to tear everything down and clean up right away as soon as we're done in the entire theater. It sucks for all of us. Right now, others have not stepped up to take care of these things so all the "church staff" can be out mingling. It is just where we are right now and what has to be done until people commit and take more responsibility.
Good idea, but it isn't possible right now.
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